The lady is off to rehearsal and I'm going to make banana bread pudding and have it ready when she comes home. She has a new bread machine and made me my own loaf of cinnamon raisin bread that I just can't finish. I wanted to make New Orleans style bread pudding but I don't have any bourbon for the glaze. I'll stick to something a little more traditional and let you all know how it turns out.

Widen your body confidence and make 2008 a BIG year with the Big Moves Wall Calendar! Each month of this full-color, 13-month wall calendar features an up-close and personal portrait of a member of the East Coast Big Moves cast & crew like you've never seen them before, as photographed by Big Moves' own Jaclyn Friedman. Plus, a new quote or quip each month to help you get through the tight spots in your year.

They were originally $18 but I can sell them at a low, low price of $10! I can ship them too anywhere for $3 (or as cheap as I can possibly do it.) Or I'll just track you down (I'm in Boston and New York enough.) What do you think?

The first set of photos taken after my mom passed away. Taken about a month after her death- before that I just couldn't shoot anything.
This was the first one. I was shopping at Target, came out, and saw it painting the sky. The photo is believe-it-or-not unedited.

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Picture this: NYC, a full house, closing show of our Fall tour at curtain call...
She comes out of the line with a stem of white lilies, gets down on one knee says, "mon amour..." (insert sweet words I can't remember) "...let's make this official. Do you want to be my lawfully wedded...something?!"

I was so shocked that I just hugged her with a grin ear-to-ear then said "Yes!" after 30 seconds or so. The crowd roared, I was totally blissed out, and we took a final bow together. Everyone filed out and we just stood on stage embracing until audience members congratulated us.

We'll be picking out rings together. We had talked about buying rings together when this did eventually happen because we didn't like the idea of only one of us getting a ring.

Oh my goodness!

The car accident is taking my mind off of grieving and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I want to grieve, I want to have ONE DAY with no obligations but I haven't had that since the day before the wake. Today it's car this/car that and although M* is more than willing to do this by herself, I can't just watch her stress about it alone.

We probably won't be covered for insurance because she's a Canadian citizen. She's got a valid international license but we're worried. It could be worse- that's what I keep telling myself but it's still a huge stressor; especially to her.

In other news, I'm going back to work on Friday (and possibly tomorrow too for a few hours.) Being home isn't helpful anymore. The house is full of low energy and I think I need a change of scenery. I would love to take a few more days off but I'm worried about money and bills; especially because we're going to London next month.

With EVERYTHING going on, the lady got into a car accident last night.

She's ok. The driver of the other car is ok but the passenger of the other car was driven by ambulance to the hospital with a giant bump on her head. I was home safe.

The driver of the other car buried her husband 3 days ago and we buried my mom 2 days ago. Bad, bad timing.

It turned out that no one's at fault so that's good but the car's a mess.

Why?!

I made it through the wake yesterday. We went into the funeral home and there were beautiful pictures of her everywhere. The next room had her casket. I saw her, started crying, but then looked more closely at her. She didn't look anything like she did on Wednesday- the day she passed- so it was almost easier to deal with it. She had makeup on- which she didn't wear much, and her eyes were closed (so much of her beautiful face is because of her big stormy blue eyes.) They also made her skin look darker with makeup. All night I was upset that she didn't look like herself but I think because she didn't that it made things a bit easier.

It was all a big whirlwind. I only cried a few times and that was with specific people but most of the time I was consoling the people coming through. I don't know where that inner strength came but I used it. Hopefully I get another rush of it today.

There's so much more to write but I need to be heading off to the funeral.

Last night I had nightmares about wolves. My mom was big into meanings of dreams so I decided to look it up. Here's what I got:
Psychological Meaning: Wolves are usually seen as something threatening that attacks during the night when we are most vulnerable. In dreams they can represent everything you are afraid of in yourself.

Not a very good night's sleep.

Today is her wake. I went to bed feeling stressed and anxious hoping I'd wake up feeling better. I'm anxious, my heart has dropped to my stomach, and my arms and legs are weak as hell. Everyone keeps saying, "Nothing can prepare you," and I think I'm learning that with each passing moment.

Yesterday, after a crying fit about tea, I sat down to a yummy breakfast that the lady made for us. I told her I wasn't hungry but she took my hand and said, "It's already made. Eat what you want and what you don't I'll wrap up for later." She's amazing through this whole thing. Always there and always helping me through the moments, days, and no doubt the week.

After breakfast I went over to my Grandmother's house. Her ear was practically glued to the phone making arrangments. They got the casket, set times for the wake and funeral, and at this point was ordering flower arrangements and choking on her words to the person on the other line. She also picked out hymns that she wants sung and talked with the Father who'd be doing the mass.

With all of that taken care of the only thing I had to do was pick up the clothes that she'd wear in the casket. One thing, that's it. One outfit, jewlery...just one task. I tried to wrap my brain around it first. I couldn't just get up and go- I needed to think about first walking in the house, then rummaging through my dead mother's clothes.

At the end she was nearly bed-ridden so she didn't have a lot of nice outfits. And because she got more and more sick, she lost a lot of weight. My Grandmother told me that it didn't even need to fit properly because if it didn't they would just tear up the back of the clothing and pin in on. That was a vivid image that I'm still thinking about.

I asked about jewelry and she said to get something that matched. Like this isn't hard enough picking out clothes that my mother will be buried in...get something that matched? I can barely do that on a normal day nevermind these cirucumstances.

I psyched myself up for it, asked my cousin to be there, and we went over. I tired looking through the closet myself but I started crying right away so my baby stepped in and offered to show us the dressier things in her closet. We didn't think we'd find anything but then this pretty lilac suit kind of picked itself out. We all looked at it and knew it would be the one.

Then we picked her out jewelry which was hard because she has a ton of jewelry, nice stuff, that all has a story behind it. We chose hoops that she wore all the time before she got real sick, a guardian angel pin (beacuse she always believed in angels,) and a breast cancer beaded bracelet that she wore all the time.

Before leaving, I looked around and realized that all of her furniture would be mine. Her bedroom set, kitchen set, all of it mine. While I was comforted by that- especially since we had been looking for furniture, the thought of going through everything in the house and either taking it, donating it, or giving it away was scary. But everyone told me that I can do that in the next couple weeks and that all I have to deal with now is getting though today.

We went home after that, watched some TV, and ate a yummy lunch that my lady-love prepared, and I napped for about 3 hours- just passed out. And when I woke, I realized that a couple of fatties would be coming over to see me.

After a nice visit I went to bed and slept until about an hour ago. Who knows what today holds.

I went to bed last night after a few drinks and some melatonin. I showered, let my baby hold me tight and fell asleep. I woke up at 6am- and the first thing I did was cry. I feel so empty and lifeless. It's cliche to say that part of my heart is missing but that's exactly what it feels like.

Last night I went to Nattie's house (I met her though Big Moves- she's such a positive light in my life and an amazing friend) and she just asked if she could hold me. We were on the bed and she just curled up behind me and spooned me. Among many reasons I love being around Nattie because of her positive energy and the vibe she gives off. She listened to me, held me, and told me all of the right things last night. She also said that she was feeling particularly strong this week and that she wanted to pass that strengh to me.

Then Marina came over (head of Big Moves amongst other things) and she brought me a hot out-of-the-over batch of scones. I told them the much longer story of yesterday and they just listened and cried with me.

I felt as if I was a battery and that my lady, Nattie, and Marina were recharging me.

We decided to get some food delivered because I wasn't ready to go home and see the photos of her on the wall. We got great BBQ and watched Ellen Degeneres. I was surprised but I laughed and it felt ok. Nattie gave me the hoodie that she wears all the time so I have a constant hug from her.

We went home, put on some TV, and just sat on the couch until I was tired enough to sleep.

I don't know what's going on today. I'm going to see the family and just be around them- maybe share a meal together- and decide what to do next. Work has been covered for me until I'm ready to come back (my boss is amazing and so caring,) and the performance I had tonight at Gendercrash is being done by others. Although being around a room full of happy people might be good for me- but it's also anxiety producing.

I'm really just trying to get through the next 15 minutes, then figure things out from there.

My mind's all over the place. Everything is dangerous. Looking up and seeing a picture, a commercial, a song. Triggers everywhere. Last night in Nattie's living room there was a bowl of candy corn and I lost it. The last time I visited my mom I brought her a bag of them. She was so thankful, so appreciative, "How did you know?" "Well, you love candy corn, that's why." And just now my baby made tea for me and it smells like tea that I used to drink with my mom. Every day my mom would send me off to school with a lunch that she made and a warm drink in the morning. Often times it had this tea in it- at least that's what it smells like.

After I stop these tears I'll have a sip and try to think positve thoughts. It's tea. I can do this.

My mom died this afternoon. My grandmother called me at work and told me to get to the hospital as fast as I good and that "It's bad." She didn't wake up this morning and my stepfather called the ambulance. She's usually calm and collected but after she told me that and started crying on the phone I knew it wasn't just a usual trip to the ER.

I basically walked right out of work, got my baby, and went there. My cousin and uncle were outside waiting for me. We walked into the ER, the nurse drew back the curtain to her room and there were several family members, doctors, a priest, all looking at my mom who was hooked up to life support.

They were hysterical when they saw me and said over and over again, "Go talk to her Mandy." She was just lying there, hooked up to big machines with beeping and saline bags and tubes everywhere. I looked around and knew what was going to happen.

I ran my fingers through her hair, looked into her glazed over eyes and told her that I was there and that I loved her so much. Her eyes fluttered a bit when I spoke. I talked to her for about 5 minutes with the family crying in the background, then her heart stopped and the doctor pronounced her dead at 12:58pm.

I was in so much shock that all I could do was comfort my aunt and others around me. I told them that she was in a better place and that she would have no more suffering anymore. She wanted to die since after her second stroke 2 years ago and everyone knew it. She was almost bed-ridden and so depressed. I just kept saying that she's better off that way.

I kept touching her face and running my fingers through her hair for an hour or so. Within a half hour she turned almost white and her body got cold but I couldn't leave the room. The priest said a few things and nurses who had worked with her in other ER visits offered their support and love. Most everyone went around the room and talked about the fun memories we had with her.
I finally left her room around 2pm and went into a private room with my family. The wake and funeral will probably be this weekend but it's hard to think about anything other than the next 15 minutes or so. One step at a time.

I've cried a bunch today and have gone though shock and all kinds of different emotions. It's so hard to wrap my brain around. 22 and my mom's gone. It's probably the hardest most scariest thing I've ever faced.

I still feel like she waited for me though. She held on until I got to say goodbye and kiss her. That's keeping me going. Also knowing that she's not in any more pain.

I'm so thankful to have support of my family, friends, Big Movers, and my love in my life.

One step at a time...

Hello all,
This is tartyfemme. I'm writing on behalf of androfagcub. Her mother passed away today at 12h58 pm. It's been a rough day full of complex emotions and she asked me to let her lj friends know about her mom.

Right now we are snuggling on the couch, watching the news and catching up on the Red Sox's... perfect mindless tv after a very rough harsh day.

hug the people close to you and tell them you love them - life is way too short not to let them know.

We went hiking the other day and were so lucky to get to see this. I was just in awe.

...$170 doll lamp


...and no, there weren't any other doll parts in the store.

We did some food shopping:


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